Worthy of Love?

My biggest kept secret and what most people do not know about me is that I never dated. In fact I was a virgin well into my mid-too late twenties lol. When I was a kid, I was never really around healthy relationships. I had no idea how to be in a healthy relationship, and I was TERRIFIED of being hurt.

When you’ve never had the opportunity to see what a good, healthy, and loving relationship is like the thought of facing it is scary. Watching your parents go through a separation at 9 years old, and being raised in a stricter environment than most people changes your perspective.

When my parents separated I stayed with my mom, and I spent every other weekend with my dad. My mom wasn’t an extremely trusting person when it came to someone watching/chaperoning her children. So when classmates were having house parties and gatherings, I wasn’t allowed to go. If she couldn’t be sure that an adult would be there, and she knew who I was going to be with then I simply couldn’t go. Except for a handful of people that I actually managed to make lasting friendships with, all throughout middle school and high school I kept to myself. No one asked me out on a date, and I didn’t have the self-esteem needed to express interest in someone.

Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had went off to college because I would have had more experience with men, but my dad and my grandma were both sick at the time. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself if I went off to college instead of being there for them. I made it to my mid-twenties without ever having been on a date, having my first kiss, without having been in a relationship, but also without knowing how to even properly talk to a man.

At some point during my journey I was told that if I wanted to have children that I needed to have them before I turned 33 years old. I was told it would be much harder for me to get pregnant due to some feminine health issues. Knowing that I didn’t want to be a virgin forever, and I wanted to have children some day I made a choice. I decided to ask a friend to help me with my “situation”. However, I didn’t intend to catch feelings in the process. It was a tricky situation because I was attracted to him the day that I met him, but I knew that I wasn’t mentally ready to be in a relationship. I also didn’t plan on him catching feelings for me either lol.

I didn’t think I would ever have an opportunity at love. I also didn’t think I would ever WANT that. I’ve never wanted marriage, or a life with a significant other until 2023. It’s the weirdest thing in the world to me. How I could simply go from wanting absolutely nothing to do with having a significant other, to instantly seeing that it’s all that I want.

For the first time in my life I learned how to love someone aside from family and friends. It’s a very different kind of love. It’s very hard to explain. I fell and I fell hard. I was consumed with emotions that I had never had before. My whole sense of peace and being was flipped on itshead. 

He quickly became my best friend. The sun rose and set with him on my mind. He was my first true love, and there wasn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t have done for him. I tried and I tried to be this perfect woman that changed his outlook on life. That could make him see that there is still things that are beautiful and wondrous in the world. Like any relationship, we had our ups and downs, but I always tried to work it out because true love is worth fighting for. I suddenly understood the true meaning behind the statement “don’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes”.

As odd as it is my friends used to ask me for relationship advice because I’m a good listener, and I have the ability to be able to see things from all sides. However, when it was me in those same situations I wasn’t always able to take my own advice. The way you love someone, and how much more you love them than yourself will make you willingly deal with a lot. Due to him being my first love, and letting that fact take over all of my senses I found myself giving him multiple chances. I was settling for someone that wouldn’t invest more than barest of the bare minimum. It made me question whether I was worthy of being loved properly. It made me question why I wasn’t good enough to be treated like all the other girls. I soon came to realize that the problem wasn’t me. I’m not perfect by any means, but I put my heart into everything that I do.

I tried to communicate, I tried to come up with date ideas, and I tried to make things work for us to be able to spend time together. It always seemed like I was being heard, but I wasn’t being listened to. There were many nights that I ended up with hurt feelings simply from his lack of effort. I eventually had to make a choice, and I chose me. ANDDDDDDDDDD, it HURT

like hell. It still hurts. He was my first everything, and I still love him very very much. But, I had to let him go. I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with how things were, but I wasn’t. I always showed up for him when he needed me, but when I needed him he was not there. That broke me.

If I’m being completely honest I’m still in love with him, but I’m not going to settle. We had a conversation, and he told me that he wasn’t in the appropriate place to love me the way that I deserved. I don’t regret anything that I did or the time that I had with him. It was a mostly amazing experience, and I learned some valuable lessons about myself during our time together. He is still one of my best friends to this day. Maybe there’s hope for us in the future, but for now I think we are simply best as friends.

I’m still searching for my slice of happily ever after, but I know that it will happen when the time is right. For right now, I am simply enjoying life and living it to the fullest. I am taking things one day at a time. I’m just me.

XOXO, Jasmine